The Superiority Mormonism Bestowed on Me and How I'm Embarrassed By It Now

 I made a confession in a Discord group the other day:

I wanted to explore it more with a blog because I feel like more can be said in regards to it.  It is helpful for me also to have an outside looking in way of seeing it.

Let me first say that I thought I had power given to me by God and that I was special.  With this priesthood they said I had, they said I could heal the sick, cast out devils, and even control the weather.  All of these I honestly believed I did at least once.  Looking back...I think maybe things that happened were either chance or I tapped into an energy because I manifested it...and perhaps it had nothing to do with a special power given to me.  Or...if Jesus does exist (which I am agnostic about now), perhaps a faith I had in him made things happen.

Further, having the priesthood and what the leaders termed 'being worthy of it' meant constantly keeping the Mormon rules so that my body could be a vessel of the Holy Ghost and I'd be worthy of the power given to me.  

I was also supposed to be what is called a patriarch of my family and lead it in keeping the standard that the church layed out.  Gag.  It sounds so gross now.  Honestly, all I wanted was equality with my wife and to allow my kids freedom to explore themselves without having doctrine and how to live imposed on them.

With these 'special feelings' about myself that I was supposed to have because the church and its leaders told me it was so...I walked around feeling superior to other people and not only this...people who were not members of 'the church...the only true church on the planet'...non-members is what we called them...became a target to be indoctrinated.  If they didn't have the truth like I did, I felt they were inferior.  Any good thing I did for them...like a service or dropping off cookies (a popular Mormon tactic that I see as silly now) was about warming them up to me so I could eventually 'share the gospel' with them.

I am convinced that because of this way of thinking and feeling about others that I missed out on better experiences I could have had with them.

For example, there was a couple that my wife and I had met when we first moved into our place in Columbus.  They were having marital problems and of course I was indoctrinated to think that giving them the gospel would fix them and this was the solution to everything.  This obviously was wrong and when they were not accepting of what we shared, I dismissed them in my mind and they probably were weirded out by us which is why they stopped talking to us.  It would have been better if we had just been friends with them and been there for them during that challenging time they had.

I treated a LOT of people like this.  I thought the ultimate solution to their life's problems and what could maximize their happiness had everything to do with them being members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Ugh.  This thinking is such bullshit to me now.

There were lady friends I could have had a better relationship with.  Suzy, the redhead that I didn't kiss but wanted to.  I erroneously thought that kissing was a sin and how could I kiss someone that smoked and broke the Word of Wisdom?  Suzy and I had become great friends and I really liked her.  I feel stupid now that I didn't kiss her when I had the chance and inhibited myself because of mormon programming.

Then there was that cute waitress at the Jai Lai Prime Rib Restaurant.  We had become attracted to each other and playful and that naturally led to her wanting to 'come back to my place' to explore this more.  Of course my mormon programming didn't allow for this and would have been a 'sin close to murder' if I'd had nonmarital sex with her.  What a loss...she was a great person and lots of fun.  This would have been a great way to connect with her...but I made myself out to be superior and denied this to her and myself.

I remember when I came off my mission and the church had put me in positions to teach older men in the church about missionary work.  I was given leeway to basically 'put them in their place' and speak down to them about not doing more missionary work.  Some of these men had jobs and were professionals and had been nice to me when I was in young mens.   Instead of just being nice to them I had to come off like I had an air of superiority because I went on a mission and in my mind I was better than them.

Then there was the marriage of my best friend growing up...Matt Horton.  I was so of a 'every member a missionary' mindset at the time that instead of getting them a nice wedding gift...like normal people do...I gave them a video and church materials because this would be (to me) the ultimate thing that would make them happy.  I even remember later giving them a blanket because I felt dumb about giving them the church materials.

I feel so embarrassed about all of these things...and quite sad that I missed out on better experiences with people because of how the church made me feel about myself.

Oh...and I know members of the church...if they read this...will be like 'well you were prideful' or 'this was a you-problem and not a church problem' or 'you had free agency...you could have used it'.  Let me though state the following in my defense...

• The church absolutely indoctrinates people to feel special and to think they are superior to others if those others don't have the true gospel in their lives.  You will not have to go far in conference talks to find verbiage like this.
• I believe I was particularly vulnerable to having my worldview about things warped by the church because I grew up in a limited means family and my father (whether he meant to or not) outsourced a good portion of my psychological care to the church.  I relied on the church's doctrine because I was expected to by my father who made me go to church every Sunday.  And the church's doctrine very much teaches that it has the whole truth and its all you need to be happy (which is a big crock of shit to me now btw LOL).
• Because of my vulnerability growing up in the church, I feel like I was hypervigilant about not breaking the rules because my eternal wellbeing was at stake.  I kept the rules in the guise of 'wanting to be happy' but in reality I didn't want to have the displeasure of God or be cursed for choosing contrary to what I was being taught.

I am upset that I was made to feel this way.  That I was constantly gaslit and not taught to think for myself when making decisions for my own happiness.  I honestly felt like I lived in a state of perpetual torture really...where I would feel bad for wanting something that now I feel was normal and healthy...better relationships with people and fun life experiences.  I clung to the 'us versus them' mentality that the church gave me because I honestly believed I would get a place in the Celestial Country Club when I died that everyone was trying for.  OMG...I'm such an idiot for believing this for so long and feel so bad I treated people badly when I was under the mormon spell.  If there are those that are reading this and were directly affected by me and how I treated you...I am truly sorry.