My Mace Windu Epiphany

Had an interesting epiphany recently.  And it came from the psychic on the boardwalk and from a Star Wars book I am reading (Mace Windu and the Glass Abyss).

The psychic seemed very attune to me and one thing I remember her telling me is that I've blamed a lot of things from my past on myself and I shouldn't.  Most of it was not my fault.

In the book, Mace Windu goes undercover as a mercenary on a crystal planet and one night he is dreaming and you sort of assume that there's an outside force trying to read his mind.  He dreams about his childhood and how he had no choice to join the Jedi,  His parents basically gave him away and he was too young to really understand what was going on.  One thing he says to himself is something like this... "How was I supposed to understand what I was getting into at such a young age?"

It made me think about being 8 years old and not really understanding what the church was about.  I was basically baptized because my parents wanted me to do it and it was expected of me at the time.

In the book, Mace explains that he doesn't regret some of the good things he did...but wonders if his life would have been different and better if he was not forced into it.

While I don't regret some of the good things I did in the church for people...particularly on my mission...I am very regretful of the life and experiences that the church took from me.  I am also upset about all the guilt trips and shaming that only now I have realized caused me trauma that I need to work through.  I am also sad and feel betrayed about all the money that was pressured from me and my family that could have gone to alleviating our own challenges and suffering.

In the Acolyte, we learn that some Jedi hid lies about things so they could try to boost their image as 'the good guys' in front of important people.  Similarly, the church I belonged to hid lies about itself in order to keep people in the church and fooled into sacrificing so much of themselves.

None of this was my fault...and I am not to blame for the brainwashing that happened to me.  This perspective really is helping me and I hope to learn more as I continue to live my life in a better and healthier way.

I am tired of living a lie and being inauthentic.  I am tired of having to choose between my family now and their happiness...and the expectations of the church and what they defined as happiness.

I also want simplicity and something more fluid as a life experience...not all the rules and structure that the church imposed on me...which honestly...for a church that purports to be all about Jesus Christ, is not what a Christian church should be about.

And that's really all I want to take with me on this new journey.  

No structures...no shaming...no guilt or fear...something simple.  

I want to be kinder to others, try not to be angry, and care for my family.

I want to be free to explore my authentic self and to enjoy life in a way that brings me greater happiness.

I think Mace Windu would appreciate that.